Trans day of visibility writing prompts, days 21-25

[alpin]

Day 21: Talk about transphobia. Have you experienced discrimination? Have you been the target of hate speech or slurs? Have you been a victim of abuse or violence?

No, I haven’t. The closest I’ve come is stonewalling from a doctor’s receptionist, who was forced to back down when I contacted the practice manager citing the guidelines she was breaking, but that’s because of my privileges again: the man was absolutely goddamn terrified of being accused of discrimination. I am certainly aware of transphobia, and the potential for danger, but I have not encountered it personally. I do think that engaging with transphobes or seeking out their voices, even to combat their ideas, convince their audience, know thy enemy,  or make fun of them, can be a form of self harm and leads to miserable burnout. 

Day 22: Talk about something funny. Has anything humorous or ironic ever happened to you because you were trans? Have you used humour to help make people more comfortable with your being trans?

Recently the blood donation service phoned me using my previous name, and in the moment, surprised, all I could think of to do was burst out laughing and say “she doesn’t exist anymore”, which is a bit more ominous and alarming than was warranted. 

When I arrived in Sweden, the tax agency processed my registration and asked which school I was attending, thinking I was a teenage boy. 

I refused to clarify exactly what kind of surgery I was having, on grounds of basic privacy, so we’re pretty certain my in-laws believe I have a penis. They’re going to freak out at everything trans-related anyway and they certainly do not have a right to information about the current state of my genitals, so whatever, not going to waste energy correcting their assumptions. I suppose in that case I’m doing the exact opposite of the prompt, using humour to make me more comfortable with people being uncomfortable that I’m trans. I do not do the prompt thing, I’m a grown adult and being trans is not unusual or scary, if someone is uncomfortable then that’s their fucking problem to get over.

Day 23: Talk about gender roles. Do you feel that you conform to a gender role? Do you feel that your conformity or lack of conformity to gender roles helps you or hurts you?

Sure, I conform pretty well to a straightforward masculine gender role. I genuinely like and prefer masculine clothing and grooming, feel no particular interest in feminine presentation, identify myself as a man, and use he/him pronouns exclusively. I’m not into sports but nor are plenty of cis men. My conformity definitely helps me. My identity is easily legible to cis-het society, I do not conflict with anyone’s expectations, so that leads to very little friction or confusion. It allowed me to access transition more easily and pass more quickly, as well as having a common model of identity to pass as. The only area I feel that I do not conform to gender roles around is by not being a top in bed. I like to do it from time to time, but I don’t default to it, and that conflicts with what people expect from men. People also do not expect a man to be a house-spouse, but I personally have encountered more homophobia than transphobia over that.

Day 24: Talk about misogyny and toxic masculinity. Do these affect you in your daily life? Are the social pressures you experience typical for your identified gender?

I really don’t think they do! Part of that, of course, is due to social isolation during the pandemic. Part of it is having a mostly-queer social circle. Being affected by misogyny was a huge, inescapable part of my daily life before transition. I very rarely encounter instances of toxic masculinity, partially because if someone is acting like that, I don’t want to spend time with them and will avoid doing so! 

I feel that in queer spaces, there is sometimes a general pervasive hatred/fear/distrust of men and of masculinity (I’m separating them on purpose, because the people with this attitude also attack, for example, butch queer women, and see nonbinary people as more trustworthy and “pure” the more feminine they are). I understand how this arises, but it’s TERF logic: evil is not stored in the masculinity, men are people, non-men are also complex moral beings. One way this can manifest is constant warnings that trans men exhibit toxic masculinity and must be on guard against it. I have pretty much never seen a trans masc person expressing toxic masculinity, the exception being a couple of miserable teenagers on reddit. I have frequently seen transmasc people accused of toxic masculinity for tiny petty bullshit every time they express a preference, speak above a whisper, or fail to apologise for their gender to the listener’s satisfaction every time they open their mouth, until the party line becomes “sure you can be a man, if you really must, even though they’re disgusting and morally suspect, but if you at any point present in a non-feminine manner or speak for yourself then you’re being toxic”. Pretty sure saying this means I’m expressing toxic masculinity in their eyes, too, which is why I don’t hang out with those people either.

 

Day 25: Talk about symbols. Do you ever fly the colours of any LGBT+ or gender identity flag in a symbolic way? Do you wear jewellery, buttons, patches, or other accessories that telegraph your being trans? Do you have any LGBT or gender identity related tattoos? Are they usually visible or hidden under clothing?

I have a progress pride flag, a trans flag, and a bear flag as home decoration. Dang, I need to get a bi flag to round out the set and a nonbinary flag for my partner. I don’t have tattoos yet and do not plan to get any overtly trans- or lgbtq-related ones, though it’s possible I’ll get some one day. I don’t tend to wear flag things, nor buttons/patches/badges at all. I could get a pronoun badge, which would probably read as an ally thing -can’t always let the burden of talking about pronouns fall on non-passing people.