Trans day of visibility writing prompts, days 6-10

[alpin]

Day 6: Talk about relationships. Do you have anyone special in your life? Have your relationships been affected by your being trans?

I am in a polyamorous relationship, engaged to my nesting partner, not currently dating anyone else (though my partner is, and my metamors are delightful). We're both bi, and were surprised by how little impact my transition had (turns out hairy tits are not actually a big deal, though the extra libido was very fun). Their family did throw a fit though.

One of the reasons I hesitate about dating (apart from being immunosuppressed in the pandemic, being a massive shy introvert, slow to warm up to people, and pretty romance-saturated with my partner) is fear of navigating transphobia. I worry about my dysphoria flaring up, about being judged on conforming or breaking stereotypes, about not being very confident topping but struggling to find tops, about having to have conversations about my body and identity over and over again every time I meet someone new, about the hassle of being a man seeking women or a short fat man seeking men. Maybe these wouldn't actually be a big problem in real life! We'll see when the pandemic is better.

Day 7: Talk about children. Do you have any? Do you want to be a parent? Do you face any challenges to your desire or lack of desire for children? How have you worked against those challenges?

I have never wanted children, nor enjoyed spending time with them or found then cute. I also discovered in my early 20s that I have a health condition which means my life would be at risk if I attempted to carry but the medications that would allow me to survive cause serious defects, so I'm glad I never found the prospect even faintly appealing. One of the reasons I got a hysterectomy was to utterly remove the possibility, and that did indeed bring me a surprising measure of peace and security. As I transitioned, the social expectation that I like children and orient my life around them has decreased dramatically, which I'm very happy about. Prior to transition, I faced a lot of pushback on this topic, consistently, my entire life, in all areas of life, from almost every person who ever mentioned the topic. This is another way in which men can be unremarked-upon and their preferences given more weight. Interestingly, since the hysto, my revulsion towards children has lessened, which I attribute to my subconscious considering the prospect less of a threat. I'm happy that I can now tell people I'm sterilised without outing myself, too.

Day 8: Talk about support. Who in your life has helped you? Have medical and mental health providers served your needs? Have lawmakers in your jurisdiction worked to protect you?

The countries I've lived in do have trans protection laws and trans healthcare, both of which I've benefited from. I'm enormously glad that I began my transition in a position where I could access private care (through GenderCare, specifically, who I have no complaints of, everything ran smoothly and every professional I've been in contact with was fantastic), since the NHS waiting lists are years long and the Swedish trans healthcare situation is horrifyingly even worse. I'm also very glad that doctors bent the rules for me: when I arrived in Sweden, my first GP continued all my prescriptions without question, instead of stopping them until I could be re-assessed; my previous endocrinologist continued checking my blood tests for a few months while I was in-between the two systems, and the psychologist at the swedish clinic decided that since he knew and trusted the professional judgement of the doctor who first diagnosed me, he could skip a step to speed up the process of allowing me continued care. (Of course, going through months of waiting only to be sternly asked about which toys I played with as a child for re-diagnosis, as someone fully legally transitioned, on T, and with top surgery booked, was an absolute farce. It's hilarious now that I'm through it, nerve-wracking though the possibility of being denied continued care was at the time).

It is a deep failure of the system that we cannot as trans people be honest with the gender-specialist psychologists about our nuanced, messy, real experiences around gender because of their role as gatekeepers. I believe this actively makes the situation worse for everyone, and does the opposite of their stated intention of protecting future detransitioners. People learn to say whatever it takes to jump through the hoops and be granted the things they desperately want, so specialists never get an accurate picture of more complex desires and fears. Anyway, I arranged entirely separate therapy, provided free by the state in various forms, and it was mostly pretty useful.

My friends have supported me emotionally, my partner has been by my side all the way and cared for me after both top and hysto, and my family gave me the money for top and did their best to help me with that. I feel very loved.

Day 9: Talk about community. How are you treated by your local community? Do you participate in any online communities? How have they reacted to you being trans?

I'm part of a few trans facebook groups and a few trans discord servers. I also notice that a lot of writers and bloggers I've followed for years came out as trans, imagine that, people who relate to one another's thoughts having things in common. At this point, most of my social circle is lgbtq in some way.

The groups I prefer tend to skew older, 30s and up, and I participate most in trans-masc spaces rather than mixed trans spaces. One discord server in particular has a lot of level-headed people and it’s a fantastic community. I wish everyone could have as positive an experience with the spaces available to them.

I don't feel very comfortable participating in the women's spaces where I spent my youth anymore. I certainly still like the people and topics, but worry about their perception of me (either erroneously as a woman or as some weird creepy guy) and don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. This isn’t anything they’ve said, all on my side. Besides, I don’t move through the world as a woman anymore, so I can no longer relate to many aspects of their regular conversations.

My local community doesn't really exist. I'd say it was because of the pandemic, and that certainly had an impact, cutting off all loose bonds, gatherings, classes, hobbies, and people who turned out to either be anti-vaxers or have a very different risk profile to us, but the social isolation was a problem before that. It's being an immigrant in a reserved culture. One of the discords and some of the facebook groups are local-ish, too, and therefore mostly composed of teenagers in pain. Their situation under this healthcare system is genuinely awful, but there's also a cultural element of being incredibly self-effacing and conformist which I find baffling.

Day 10: Talk about employment and your career. What do you do to support yourself? Are you in a traditionally gendered field or occupation? How have your co-workers reacted to your being trans?

I'm unemployed! I'm studying a masters course, but my partner supports us both. I’m a house-spouse. The course is in a majority-female field (library science), but I'm not the only guy nor the only trans person in my classes. I'm not too worried about the gender balance of the field, I don't think it's likely to have a big impact on me.

In my previous workplaces, I didn't come out. The final one I was actively medically transitioning during, to no comment (but I think a frequent gay customer recognised me as a fellow gay, which, no matter how he read me, is a very fair assumption), but told them about my legal transition when I gave notice, in case of references. A coworker pressed for details, which I stonewalled ("just like this name better" kind of thing), thank goodness for non-confrontational people. The bosses had my back anyway: a few weeks beforehand, someone had been fired immediately for homophobia towards another staff member, and management all fell into the “nervous about being perceived as discriminatory” category.